you're the worst
by rangerclutterbucket
Summary: a guy and a girl stand outside the Plaza; he's been kicked out of a wedding, she's stealing one of the presents. this is how they meet.
1. i

"Okay, ladies, you ready?"

The bride tosses the bouquet up into the air and straight into Maya's head. She doesn't even flinch.

Maya Hart is beautiful, this she knows. Her angelic face, however, is tainted by an ever present sour face.

The world told her early on that she was broken and would never get anything she wanted; the world never changed its mind. She's not only broken, but broke as well. Also, her career is a joke and her boobs are smaller than her motivation.

Life has cheated Maya and she's not letting it forget it.

Hope is for suckers, after all.

 _And so is marriage_. She stands up and kicks the bouquet back to the hungry hungry hippos. As they scramble at her feet, she swipes a bottle of champagne from the table and heads toward the gift table.

* * *

"...which was really weird, but I figured, free booze, why not? Sometimes it's just plain fun to witness the beginning of an absolute trainwreck, so when the house goes up in flames you can say you were there when they put in the shitty wiring. Sure, marriage could be considered an act of bravery, but so could jumping into the subway tracks for a quarter. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is congratulations."

Missy and Josh stare at him dumbfounded. Lucas just smirks at the newlyweds.

The bride glares at him, "You're unbelievable."

That he is. Lucas Friar is talented in many ways: he was a star athlete in high school, his IQ is almost as high as his roommate? (too childish) tenant? (he doesn't pay rent so) live-in housekeeper/cook's (yes, that'll do), and he published a novel. Also, he's exceedingly good looking and has never had trouble getting girls. He does, however, fail at keeping them. Not that it bothers him; he has no actual interest in keeping anyone.

Love is for suckers, he says.

 _And so is marriage_. It does not surprise him one bit that Missy has fallen for it.

"Oh, just admit it, Missy. You only invited me to spite me."

Missy gasps. "Excuse you? I invited you because I thought we could be friends."

"That's bullshit and you know it. What kind of idiot is friends with their ex?"

Josh puts his hand on Lucas's shoulder (which is immeadiately shaken off), "Bro, you better cool it. That's my wife you're talking to."

Missy takes her new husband's hand, "It's okay, Joshy." Lucas can't help but snort. "I can deal with him myself. Go check on Riley or something. She must be so sad that people are having more fun than they did at her wedding."

Josh gives Lucas the universal "I'm watching you" signal and leaves the former couple alone.

"As much fun as you claim this is, I'm out."

"You just love making everything about you, don't you?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Almost as much as you enjoyed passive-agressively rubbing your happiness in my face. At least I would have done it directly."

"Ooh, your commitment to honesty is soo refreshing. You're not the original you think you are. And your drawl is stupid."

"Excuse me? I'm not original? Wow. That is hilarious coming from such a–" Lucas stops himself. "No, you're right. This day isn't about me."

Missy is positively fuming. "Such a what, Lucas? Tell me. I'm dying to know what the amazing Lucas Friar thinks about me."

Lucas takes a deep breath. _Here goes nothing._

* * *

Maya watches as Missy fights in the middle of the dance floor with the rando ex she invited for some reason.

She doesn't care to listen in on it, but it started escalating enough to steal her attention from her current mission.

Suddenly Missy starts crying and Maya decides she's bored with all of this.

She uses the opportunity of the crowd gathering around the sobbing bride to start shaking gifts. She decides on a medium sized box, grabs another bottle of champagne from an abandoned table and walks out casually.

* * *

"Talk to her again and me and my boys will mess you up."

Lucas stares up at Josh from the bottom of the carpeted steps at the entrance of the Plaza, where the groom and two groomsmen have thrown him, "Who talks like that?"

"I'm serious, Lucas."

"Fine. Enjoy your sham of a marriage."

"I will!" Josh and his friends head back inside, while Lucas sits at the bottom step.

He takes out a cigarrette and lights up.

* * *

"You have another one of those?"

* * *

 **i know what you're thinking. "another story? when she hasn't updated the last one for two months?" and the answer is yes.**

 **anyway, this will mostly be a writing excercise (meaning short chapters where i try my best to actually adapt the lines but end up copying them verbatim from ytw which is an awesome show on fxx that you should all be watching) because i have been suffering from writer's block and i don't want to give up on _things done_ , so between this little fic adaptation thing and Texas, i'm hoping i'll get my groove back.**

 **(i included a little shoutout to my favorite lucaya writer tiramisupiece aka marna aka actual angel because i stan for her so hard.**  
 **i think it's pretty obvious if you know her fics.  
** **fun fact: it's actually one of three fics of hers i haven't been reading regularly because i want her to finish it in order to read it fully completed)**

 **p.s. i'm not 100% sure on the rating. the show gets pretty sexual, but i suck at writing smut, so i'll keep it implicit.**  
 **also, keep in mind that the characters will be literally the worst. _everyone_ will most definitely be ooc but that's what i hope will be great about it. the whole point of ytw (the show) is that these are terrible people, yet extremely likeable at the same time.**

 **finally, a disclaimer: i do not own gmw or ytw or any of it's characters or dialogues**


	2. ii

"You have another one of those?"

Lucas turns to the voice and jumps slightly at the sight of a blonde sitting a couple of feet away to his left. She's drinking champagne straight from the bottle, her bag resting on top of a wrapped gift and good Lord, _has she been there all this time?_

"These are pretty expensive."

Maya walks over and plops down beside him, hand extended. Reluctantly, he hands her a cigarrette and a lighter.

She lights up and exhales a thick plume. "Nice work with Missy."

Lucas doesn't look at her when he speaks, "Getting married doesn't exonerate you from having to act like a human being."

"Yeah, totally. Those two are doomed."

"Right?! Has any couple ever had a more dishonest start to a marriage?" He shakes his head. "The balls to have a traditional Catholic ceremony."

Maya snickers. "When she's already had two abortions."

"And can only orgasm through anal."

Gasps are heard and the pair turn to an older couple and an even older lady standing nearby. Lucas nods at their horrified faces.

"Mr. and Mrs. Bradford. Grandma Bradford."

They don't acknowledge him and head quickly inside.

Lucas and Maya return to their conversation unfazed. He finally looks at her.

"You're pretty," he says, more like a fact than a compliment.

Maya is used to hearing this, but the tone is certainly off. "Thanks?"

"How do you know her?"

"High school frenemy. Not that _she_ invited me. I've been friends with the groom's niece since forever. I'm practically family."

"You're friends with Klutzy Riley?"

She gives him a look. "Yeah, me and Klutzy Riley are hella close."

Something clicks inside his head. "I know who you are, you're the artist!"

"And you're the cowboy."

"You've heard about me."

"Vaguely."

"What'd you hear?"

"Just that you're worst."

"Says the girl who just stole a blender from a wedding."

Maya's eyes widen in horror. "Noo! Shit, really?" She quickly tears off the wrapping and sure enough, a top-of-the-line blender stares back at her. "Fuck. I thought it was a food processor."

She promptly throws it into Fifth Avenue.

"Who's the worst now?"

Maya blows smoke and shrugs. "Yeah, well."

She turns to look at him and blue meets green. He smirks at her. She furrows her brow.

* * *

 **i have set a new posting rule for myself:**

 **No new chapter until the next one is basically done.**

 **this is for all of us, so that the tdnm ordeal doesn't repeat itself and i lose all my hopes and dreams.**


	3. iii

**this is the sexiest chapter you'll get because i am _terrible_ at writing things like these. there is nothing too explicit, but if you'd rather skip it, a summary:**

 **Lucas and Maya do the sex stuff and talk.**

* * *

Maya is on top of Lucas.

"I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm not even that attracted to you."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

She shrugs and nods. Makes sense.

They keep going.

* * *

Still naked, they sit on top of Lucas's marble counter, eating cold pasta.

"It's Manhattan, nobody drives. How did you get a DUI?"

"Well, yeah, but Riley lives all the way in Staten Island and I may be a born and bred New Yorker, but I ain't stupid. Mama's not taking the 2AM train to Murdertown. Anyway, I occasionally see this photographer-"

"Gross."

"One night he booty-texted me from some after-party to meet him at his house. And I was at Riley's so I drove to his house, and he texted that he was going to be late, so I drove idly around his neighborhood for a while until I kind of sideswiped an off-duty cop." She snickers at the last part.

"Y'know, I'm glad this is a one night thing so we can reveal all this awful shit about ourselves."

"Totally."

They high five and a piece of pasta falls into Lucas's lap.

Maya looks at him with hooded eyes. "I'll get it." She lowers herself.

* * *

Lucas is on top of her now.

Maya gasps as he pins her wrists over her head. "Okay, I like that."

"All girls do."

"Don't call me 'all girls'."

He turns her over and pulls her hair.

"Dammit. That's good too."

* * *

Lucas gives Maya a foot rub while she speaks. "So I stayed in Italy another year and a half-ish, traveled around, met crazy talented people and when I came back I just... I got scared. So I gave up on that."

"Right before Missy broke up with me, I started reading her e-mail."

"I've done that."

"I was mostly just embarrassed how many shopping lists she was on." There's a small pause. "Even though I had warning, when she broke up with me it actually kind of knocked me out. Even though she's clearly a ridiculous human being."

"Well, yeah, I mean, breakups hurt. I've heard." He gives her a look. "I don't really do relationships.

"Me neither. Not anymore."

They're both silent for a while as he continues rubbing her foot. "So are you one of those creepy foot guys?"

"No. I just have nervous hands. They always have to stay busy."

Maya smirks as he grabs him by the hand and drags him back inside.

* * *

"Yes. Yes. That's good. Don't stop, you son of a bitch. Oh, ye-" A noise cuts her off and she abruptly opens her eyes. She peers under the covers at Lucas. "Did you just spit on it?"

"Yeah."

"You spit on my vagina."

"So?"

"Don't."

"Why?"

"Why not spit in my vagina?"

"It's saliva. It's going to get there anyway."

Maya considers this. He has a point.

She pushes his head back down between her legs.

* * *

Sometime later, they lie side by side, facing each other.

"...and that's the reason I'm a writer and not a vet."

Comfortable silence. They just smile at each other.

"Hey."

"Hey."

He brushes her hair out of her face. She kisses his hand as he does. Realization dawns on them and smiles quickly turn to frowns. They back up at the same time.

"I should get some sleep, so..."

"Yep. G'night." She rolls over.

"Wait, what?"

"Relax. I'm just lazy. I'll sneak out in the morning."

"No. There are no sleepovers."

"Sucks."

Lucas is not having it. "I have sleep apnea. I have to wear a CPAP machine."

"It's cool, I'm a log."

Defeated, Lucas pulls on a mask connected to a machine. He puts it over his mouth and nose.

Maya looks over her shoulder and bursts out laughing. "You look like Bane."

"Shut up," comes his muffled response.

"Thank God I'm not going to remember any of this in the morning." She cuddles her body close to his. He opens his eyes wide in horror. "For warmth."

He shuts his eyes again.

"The shadows betray you, because they belong to me," she says, her best Bane impersonation at full force.

"Goddamn it."

"Ah, yes. I was wondering what would break first: your spirit or your body."

"So stupid."

She laughs and he laughs. They both giggle tiredly until sleep takes over.

* * *

 **i asked on my tumblr but only got one response cause i'm a loser blogger, so i'm asking anyone who reads:**

 **i have a minor role that was originally supposed to go to Josh (because he is literally PERFECT for it) but now I have him married to Missy so it doesn't work out anymore. What I am asking is:**

 **who would you rather be involved with maya for a few chapters, Billy or Brandon (aka Rebel)?**

 **thanks y'all**


	4. iv

Lucas pretty much bolts upright. The mask is ripped off and he looks to his left. Maya is still there.

 _What the fuck?_

He shakes her. "Hey. Lazy ass. Get up."

She smacks his hand away, murmurs something along the lines of "Fuck off," and rolls over to her stomach. She then resumes her loud snoring.

Lucas gets out of bed and steps on Maya's purse. He fails to notice the ants gathering around a half-eaten Hot Pocket peaking out.

He closes the door as loud as he can in hopes of waking Snoring Beauty so he can get her out as soon as possible. As he heads to the kitchen, the unmistakeable smell of breakfast food hits him.

Lucas is the proud owner of a medium-sized condo in Williamsburg. It is modern and pretty empty. The only piece of art is a blown up book review from the New York Times over the mantle, which features an author photo of Lucas.

"Morning."

Farkle Minkus is a certified genius and former child-prodigy who graduated college at 19 and became a millionaire by 21. He founded a tech company and was expected to become "the Bill Gates of his time". This did not happen. He is, however, sweet and earnest and a recovering addict. He looks up to Lucas, even though it's sometimes hard to see why.

Lucas doesn't acknowledge him as he sits at the counter with his iPad and starts typing.

"So I've been thinking about ghosts."

"Right, which don't exist. And you, as a man of science should know this already. What great use of your time."

"You know my great-grandfather Ginsburg? He was a photographer and he owned this coffeehouse in the Village and he also did beat poetry and sounds like the coolest guy ever."

"What? No. How could I possibly know your- Are you telling me you're related to Alan Ginsberg?"

"No. Ginsburg. With a u." As Farkle talks, he serves Lucas an omelet with lots of greens. He shovels it in without looking. "Because I was thinking: he sounds like he had it all worked out, and maybe if I could learn his secrets, I could fix my problems."

"How would meeting your dead relative–which is impossible because the soul doesn't exist– help you move out of my house?"

Farkle laughs. "No, I'm talking about my real problems. Like the nightmares and the crying and how I want to do heroin all the time."

"That's because you were an idiot and gave up your multi-million dollar company and cut off all ties with your family."

"But that's because of the constant anxiety attacks and all the pressure that was put upon me."

"Because your father was already a billionaire, whose name you had to live up to and he and your mother were around except not really. And may I repeat? You claim to be a man of science. Why the sudden interest in the paranormal?"

"Yes, but that's because - I don't know why those things, actually." He shakes his head as if to clear it. "Anyway, I am trying to open up to the possibilities of the world. So what do you think?"

"I don't have time for this. I agreed to write a profile about some stupid singer even though it will kill my soul."

"I thought there was no soul." Farkle looks at him expectantly.

Lucas sighs. "What do I think about what?"

"If I should hold a seance to contact great-grandfather Ginsburg."

Lucas pushes his plate forward and Farkle puts more food on it. "No."

"I think I'm gonna do it. Thanks."

In that moment, Maya enters in her dress from the night before. "Why did you let me sleep so long? I'm starving. Nice place."

She sits down next to Lucas and starts picking at his breakfast with her hands as he looks on in horror.

Farkle watches the two with a warm smile on his face. "Hi, there. I'm Farkle."

She nods and answers with her mouth full, "Maya. This is amazing."

Farkle's face lights up at the compliment, he doesn't get those often. He fixes Lucas a new plate while the latter remains speehlessly outraged.

Maya holds up the cup of coffee Farkle just poured her as a thanks. "So, how do you two know each other?"

"He used to beat me up in middle school."

"Ah." She sizes the two of them up. "I can see that."

"But then he realized I wasn't just some loser dork but actually kind of a genius. Way smarter than those dimwits he was hanging out with. So then he started beating them up for me. Have you read his book?" Maya shakes her head no.

"Farkle–" Lucas groans annoyed. He turns to Maya indignantly. "You haven't?"

Farkle picks up a book from the stack on top of the coffee table and hands it to her. "Sales went flatter than expected and he blew all his money on this place, that's why he has to do more magazine work. But you should read it, it's really good."

"Shut up at any time."

Maya puts the book next to her jacket "O-kay."

Lucas is not too happy. "At least buy your own copy."

"Ha, right."

Maya finishes eating. She puts down her fork and belches. "Whoops. Excuse me, gentlemen. So, who's gonna drive me to work?"

Farkle takes her plate. "I grew up on the Upper East Side with a chauffeur, never had to learn."

"Bummer. Huckleberry, you're up."

"Huckle-" He sighs. "My car's at the reception. We took a cab. You still owe me your half, by the way."

She decides to ignore the last part. "We did? Damn."

She pulls out her phone and dials.

* * *

 **so apparently i forgot that i was supposed to upload this roughly two weeks ago and for that i am extremely sorry.**  
 **this has literally been sitting in my docs rotting away. chapter five can be expected much sooner, i promise. (like maybe tomorrow. it's been done for ages i just need to clean it up.**

 **i am super excited to introduce farkle because i love him and the character i'm basing him on is the sweetest ever.  
in a show where everyone is the worst, edgar (aka farkle's ytw counterpart) is the best.**


	5. v

Riley Matthews drives a brand new Lexus. She is as tall and lanky as she was in high school, but her clothes and hair are carerully put together in a way that screams "I'm a classy lady now." Maya sits in the passenger seat changing into the clothes Riley brought her.

The brunette is not happy. "I can't believe it."

"Drive faster. I'm late."

"You slept with Lucas."

"Apparently."

"Who used to date Missy.

"I know."

"And on the night of her _wedding_!" Riley laughs gleefully then remembers she's not supposed to be enjoying this.

"Honey, why are you all up in my ass about this?"

"You know what a jerk he is. I told you all the time when you were away how he swallowed her up. She disappeared her life into his and was never the same."

Maya starts doing her make-up, propping her feet up on the dashboard.

"That's because Missy doesn't have a personality to begin with."

"Well, that's true. Ugh, Lucas is the worst. Did he say anything about me?"

"No?"

"You're not going to see him again, are you?"

"Ew. No way. But we did have fun...God, I hope he doesn't think it was like, a thing."

"No kidding. Why do you have such terrible taste in men?"

"Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's them."

"No, it's you. Can you please take your feet off the dashboard? This is a lease."

"Stop the car."

"What?"

"STOP THE CAR!" Riley doesn't because they're in New York City traffic, so really, they're stopped enough. "I'd rather walk than ride in this sterile suburban piece of shit car with my best friend being shitty and judgemental to me because I had sex with a guy at a wedding. How many guys did you blow at our five-year reunion?"

"...Four."

"Fo–" This is news to Maya. "You told me three."

"I might have left out Yogi."

"Yogi?! I'm seriously nauseated right now."

Riley gets misty eyed. "God, we used to have fun."

"Yeah, we did." She slaps Riley's arm. "The hell'd you have to get married for?"

"I know. I'm sorry." She pauses for a second. "Do you like my new haircut?"

"No. You look like my mom. If you get your real estate license I will stab you in the tits."

Traffic moves along and they continue the drive in silence.

* * *

 **you guysssssss, I'M _BACK_.**


	6. vi

Maya storms out onto the roof garden of her agency's Midtown Manhattan building to find her three biggest clients smoking pot.

She is the publicist for a breaking music act led by Zay Babineaux better known by his internet handle, The Captn. Zay is skinny, smart and unpredictable. The other two thirds of this group, Darby and Sarah (basically Zay's backup and entourage), are sharing earbuds while watching something on a phone.

As soon as Zay sees Maya he puts his hood on and sulks in a corner.

To say she is pissed is an understatement. "What the crap?!" She is five seconds away from hitting him with her purse.

"You know I get nervous at these shits."

"You're paying the guy to take your photo and you trash his studio?"

"You weren't here! A publicist who can't show up at publicity events. Unprofessional as fuck. I don't like it. Don't even know what I'm paying you for, Maya."

"The label pays me."

"You know it all gets charged against my end! Label is villains. From now on I'm just gonna drop free mixtapes and fuckin' Vines of my guinea pigs."

"You need to go apologize to Mr. Squirrels so he doesn't sue you."

"Let 'im. I'll lawyer the fuck up."

Maya sighs. "He is a great photographer. A little excentric, but we need him."

"Anyone's a good photographer now. Darby takes amazing Instagrams."

She nods. "No filter."

"Yeah! at darby!" Sarah pipes in.

"Anyway, this is your fault! _You_ apologize to him for being such a no-showing-up bitch."

Maya stares at Zay. Zay stares back. A showdown.

* * *

"We're sorry we broke your shit."

Darby and Sarah nod.

The trio stand in what used to be a photo shoot setup which is now completeky trashed. The white backdrop has been slashed, light stands stands no longer stand. Catering sandwiches are thrown everywhere. Two young assistants gather broken equipment.

"Okay, great. Eric, we'll talk about restitution."

"Whatever, Mabel." He storms off.

Zay watches his go, scowling.

She sighs.

"Making us do stupid ass poses..." he mumbles.

"Hey. You okay?"

"Yeah. Fuck were you doing, anyway?"

"Nothing worth talking about."

"You still need to make it up to us."

"Yeah, whatever."

"I'll fire your ass and it won't mean shit to me."

She gives him a pouty look. "Yes, it will. You can't function without me."

"See, just to prove you wrong I'mma go get me four fine-ass interns to do the same job for free. You owe me, Maya."

"Fine, Zay. What do you need?"

"You need to kiss my quarter-Chickasaw ass." Zay turns around. Maya narrows her eyes. "Then you need to go get me some cocaine. I'm too famous to get it myself." She laughs. _Yeah, right._ "I'm not playing. You're on probation now."

Darby and Sarah nod.

 _Shit, he's serious._

* * *

 **that covers our fab five introductions. i am still debating whether or not i should stop this after chapter eleven (once i've covered the pilot), but for now, keep enjoying these and keep reviewing. we'll catch up on lucas's job next!**

 **a special reply to reviewer** **LayaxFiley122 (to whom i can't reply normally for some reason?)  
i kinda hate Missy and Josh too but that makes it so so much more fun to write them? it's weird but i love to hate them lol as for riley and farkle...it could very possibly head there, but if it does it's going to be the slowest of burns. or it could totally not go there at all. we'll see. thanks so much for reviewing and i hope you enjoy the update and the zay!**


	7. vii

Austin Moon reads to a group of sick kids at Morgan Stanley, New York's best children's hospital.

"...so the tomato and the caterpillar lived happily ever after... until the caterpillar finally couldn't handle it and ate the tomato. Yum! The end!"

The kids clap and Austin smiles.

Lucas is off to the side with a note pad, frowning. Austin makes his way to him.

"Hey, man. Thanks for coming here. This was the only time in my schedule my manager could find to slot the interview."

"Uh huh." Lucas doubts this. "Should we go find somewhere quiet or...?"

"I actually have to stick around a bit. But we can start the interview here if you don't mind."

"Okay. Tell me about this new show you're doing."

"Well, it's a really cool project..." A young girl with a shaved head runs up to him. "Aw, c'mere you!"

She jumps into Austin's arms and a photographer materializes out of nowhere. Austin poses with the girl. He turns back to Lucas. "Anyway, they sent me the script, and I swear I never laugh out loud, but–"

A kid in a wheelchair rolls by. Austin sees him. "Wheelchair race!" He turns to Lucas. "Sorry." He motions to the photographer to follow him. "C'mon, get this..."

Austin jumps into a wheelchair and races after the kid, the photographer snapping away behind them. Lucas sighs.

* * *

Lucas wants to die. His attention is drawn by a skinny, pale teen sitting alone playing a video game.

"Wait. Is that... GTA 6?"

"Yeah."

"How'd the hell'd you get it?!"

"I get games early because I'm dying."

"Lucky."

"Why are you here?"

"I'm doing a story on that asshole." Lucas points at Austin with disdain. The singer is playing with the youngest kids in the ward, making silly faces at them.

"Why's he an asshole?"

"Please. Inviting me here so I'll write about him hanging around with sick kids. Disgusting." He watches the kid play for a minute. "So do you get lots of free stuff?"

"Yeah. But nothing really cool."

"Like what would you want?"

"To motorboat Kate Upton. You have a girlfriend?"

"No, I don't believe in girlfriends."

"You mean you can't get laid."

"Fuck you. I got laid last night."

"Was she hot?"

Lucas sits on the arm of the kid's chair as he talks. "Yeah. But annoying. No, not annoying. She was... trouble, I guess. I mean, she was just kind of an awful person. But in a fun way. Anyway. Doesn't matter..."

Lucas smiles to himself, lost in revere for a moment. He snaps out of it to see Austin surrounded by the kids.

"Group hug!" The singer opens his arms wide for the kids.

"Alright, that's it."

Lucas goes to Austin, who separates himself from the kids.

"Sorry, sorry. Let's get back to the interview."

"Nah, forget it."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm know I'm supposed to be giving you a hand job in this magazine but this little staged charade is cynical and ugly and more obvious than your face lift. You brought your own photographer!? I mean, I know pop stars are vain and awful, but, man, you take the cake."

"Yeah, I'm doing publicity for my sister's charity." He points to an older blonde woman, sitting with the little girl from earlier on her lap.

Lucas follows his gaze. "And the girl...?"

"Is my niece. Who has neuroblastoma. Dick."

Austin walks off and Lucas turns to see the teen kid laughing.

* * *

 **dc universe cameo. don't expect these to become a _thing_ but i needed a celebrity and who better than the one and only austin moon? i must admit i was never a big a&a fan, but i thought this could be fun. **


	8. viii

Lucas is in a shitty mood as he types on his laptop.

Farkle enters jingling a set of keys. "Turns out I had someone across the bridge who owed me a favor so I had him drive your car over." He puts the car keys on the kitchen counter. "And look who I found getting out of a cab."

Lucas turns to see Maya. She gives a little wave. Lucas tenses up.

She notices. "Don't worry. I forgot my purse. Not on purpose or anything."

"I was just telling her about my great-grandfather Ginsburg. She thinks I should pursue it," Farkle pipes in.

"Oh, definitely! You need that connection."

She's taken aback when Farkle hugs her. "Thanks. I'll go pay your cab."

"He's sweet. It's nice that you let him live with you," she says once the lanky guy is out the door.

Lucas types as he speaks. "You know your purse had food in it? It was covered in ants. Who keeps food in their purse?"

"Whoa, what's _your_ problem?"

"I had a really shitty day and I come home to find my bedroom a goddamn '50's sci-fi movie." He finally turns to face her. "And why would you sleep over? That's amateur hour."

Maya is surprised and is that...hurt? _Not today._ "Wow. And here I was worrying you were going to get the wrong idea about last night. Thanks for saving me the speech."

Lucas laughs, mockingly. "You were going to make a speech?"

"Oh my God. Forget it." She turns to leave.

"No kidding. Save your breath."

Maya turns back, a tiger uncaged. "I don't know what planet you're from, but on my planet someone like you doesn't just get..." She motions to her body. "...this. Congratulations. You bagged a weakened gazelle. That's right, I'm still hooked on someone who is eons further along the evolutionary scale than you in all categories save for "Unearned Ego" and "Drawl." You so value honesty that you had to chew out a bride on her wedding day in the name of it? Well, then face this giant hunk of truth, Lucas: there's a fat asterisk next to me on your skank-riddled little Fucklist, and it reads: "SHE PROBABLY WOULDA GONE HOME WITH ANYONE THAT NIGHT." So thank you for the wake-up call, Lucas Stupid Fuckface. You are officially my bottom."

Maya storms out and slams the door. Lucas is enthralled. A smile forms on his face.

 _Holy shit, that was awesome._

* * *

 **probably my favorite scene/chapter/whatever you wanna call it.**

 **i've had some comments on the drug use and i promise y'all, it's not as common or as bad as it seems. (storywise, not actual drug use. stay away from drugs kids.) i could try to lower the mentions, but i really think it gives off a certain vibe that i quite like in this story. so, yeah. i will continue to write about it (occasionally) but i promise it will not escalate further.**


	9. ix

Maya knocks on the door of a fancy loft in Tribeca. The door opens and she smiles.

"Hey you."

Charlie smiles back at her. He is wearing sweats and a half-zipped hoodie, the off-day uniform for the rising photographer. "Hey, kid. What a surprise."

"I was just in the neighborhood."

Maya's manner with Charlie is quite different than with Lucas. Talks quieter. Her light dimmer.

"I have an early call time. But...yeah, come in." He opens the door for her. "The last time you said you were coming over, you never showed. I thought you'd grown sick of me."

"Nah. You're all right."

Charlie touches her face. It feels like a rehearsed moment.

"You're so beautiful, Maya."

She frowns a little. Normally she'd be flattered. To end the disquieting feeling (and as a reply to his words), she kisses him.

Charlie pulls back and steps aside to let her in. He quickly looks outside to make sure no one saw her come in, then shuts the door behind her.

* * *

 **the smallest filler chapter in the history of miniature filler chapters.**

 **i know, i know. "charlie? i thought you said billy or rebel. charlie was never an option." and you're right. but i saw a post on tumblr on how charlie and maya have great chemistry even though they've never really interacted that much and i was all YEAH THEY DO. and lo and behold, charlie is here. it's kind of weird having them both with maya instead of riley but it's my story and i'll do what i want.**

 **also, dear guest who always comments "update", i love you. you are the kind of reviewer i'd always wanted to have. (no sarcasm here, it's very real.)**


	10. x

Lucas is playing GTA6 with a bottle of scotch in front of him.

Farkle approaches him. "You busy?"

"Yes."

"Can you pause it for a second?"

"Nope."

"Whoa. Where'd you get GTA6?"

"Don't worry about it."

Farkle can't take it anymore. He grabs the controller out of Lucas's hands. "I have to say something."

"What's wrong with you? Give me the controller!"

Lucas stands up to grab it. Farkle pushes him back down onto the couch with surprising force. The scotch spills, his M&M's go flying. Lucas stares in enraged surprise.

"I've watched you for two years now get girls to come home with you and they're always gone in the morning."

"Is this about Maya? I can't help it if she refused to leave. Give me my controller."

Farkle doesn't. Lucas quickly grabs the other controller from the table. Starts to fire it up.

"Sorry about this..." Farkle quickly grabs Lucas into a surprisingly tight military headlock. The texan flails but it's useless; he roars with outrage. "I don't mind you being jerky to me, because I know you care deep down."

"No, I don't! You're an animal. Living in my house..." He flips Farkle and is now the one holding the smaller man in a chokehold.

"But Maya stayed. You say she forced you, but we both know there's not a person on this planet's ever had a good outcome trying to force you to do anything. She stayed. And that means something. Whether you want to admit it or not. Now please let me go."

Lucas lets him go and falls down onto the couch. "Why would I even listen to you? You're a mental case. You're on a billion medications that all say: "Take For Batshit Craziness."" Rubbing his neck, Lucas heads out of the room.

"Where are you going?"

"To a bar, where I can drink in peace!"

The front door slams. Farkle starts to clean up the mess.

Lucas storms back in. "Call the police!"

"On me?"

"Someone stole my car!"

Farkle laughs. "No, Maya took it, remember?"

"Maya took my car?! MAYA TOOK MY CAR?!"

"Yeah. I saw her driving away. I figured you loaned it to her. Come to think of it, I did think it was kinda weird."

"She doesn't have a license!"

"Huh. She must have stolen your keys from the counter." Lucas breathes hard, raging. "Well. You gotta admit, that's kind of a baller move."

Lucas flops down onto the couch.

* * *

 **i wanted to post this as soon as i finished editing last chapter, 'cause it was so tiny, but i had to make y'all wait a little. suffer a little.**

 **i only have one more chapter written and i'm still not sure whether to continue it. (i probably will, but i want to write something more original first and maybe finally finish things done about not much and pass this semester and a bunch of other important nonsense)**

 **in the meantime, suffer some more.**


	11. xi

Charlie's room is fancy, masculine, and way too dark. The ceiling to floor windows give a fantastic view of the city lights, though.

He is making sweet and tender love to Maya as he keeps intense eye contact.

Maya smiles but she's clearly not into it. "Um, hey."

"Yes, Maya?"

"Can we just take a break?"

"Sure."

"So, what's the worst thing you've ever done?"

Charlie looks irritated. "Maya, you know ever since India I don't dwell in negativity."

"I set my school on fire to get out of a calculus test."

"What?! Why are you telling me that? That's horrible."

"Forget it. I was kidding."

Maya goes down on him. He leans back.

"Ah. You're a marvel. Ooh, that's terrific. That's -" He stops as soon as he hears a strange noise and looks down. "Did you just spit on me?"

Maya grimaces from below. "No. Yes. Sorry."

Charlie forgets about it. They continue. He leans back.

"Yes, Maya. That's _delicious_."

She pops her head back up. "Do you still have coke?"

A very designed bathroom. Pointless bowls of vegetable matter. Rolled hand towels. Rain shower. Monster tub.

Maya, in t-shirt and panties, tiptoes in and gently shuts the door. She's carrying a huge bag of cocaine. She pulls a smaller baggie out of the waistband of her panties and pours some of the coke into the smaller baggie for Zay and co. She rubs spillage onto her gums with her finger then reseals the large bag of coke and tucks the small one back into her panties.

She grabs the bigger bag and goes to leave but suddenly stops, not really wanting to go back out there. Instead, she climbs into the tub, exhales, and leans back, weary. She stares at the baggie. Fuck it. She grabs some tweezers off the counter, pulls her hair back, and digs the tweezers into the coke, brings it to her nose, and sniffs.

Her phone rings. She quickly silences it. She looks at the display and reacts in this order: surprised, pleased, then apprehensive. She answers, speaking quietly.

"Hello?"

In Brooklyn, Lucas is sitting up in bed, naked.

"What are you doing?"

Maya is frozen. Lying in the bathtub. Clutching the bag of coke. The tweezers. The phone.

"Nothing. I was just... reading."

"You won't believe this. Someone stole my car."

"Oh? God, that's awful."

"Yeah. I have to file a police report in the morning."

Maya shuts her eyes tight. "Um. I may have... borrowed it."

"I know."

"Oh. Well, sorry. I told you I'm the worst."

"No, you told me I was the worst and I was lucky to "get" you."

She cringes lower in the tub. "Yeeeah. Yeah. About that..."

"No. Don't apologize. It was a great speech. Funny and true and mean. My favorite kind."

Maya is is surprised and pleased. "Oh. Well. Thanks."

"So I started researching that ridiculous story Farkle told about his great-grandfather."

"Yeah?"

"Turns out it's all true. He was this really famous poet. And he was friends with Bob Dylan."

"Whoa. He sounds amazing."

"So I'm going to work on that story."

"Instead of the interview thingie?"

"Oh yeah, they kind of fired me. But anyway, yeah. I thought you'd be interested to hear."

"And now Farkle will get to know his great-grandfather."

"And the idiot doesn't have to do a seance."

"He must be happy you're doing that."

Lucas is pleased. "Yeah. He really is."

"I set my high school on fire to get out of a math test."

"Ha. That's genius." Maya smiles. A comfortable silence. "Oh, and I lied to you before."

"About what?"

"I do have a foot thing."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. In fact I was just trying to find the right clip online to, you know... so I could fall asleep. But nothing's quite right."

"Want me to try?"

"What?"

"Shh. Alright, lemme think..."

"This is stupid."

"Shut up."

"Boy, I have been walking around all day in these new shoes and they're just so hot and tight."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. And my socks are all sweaty."

"That happens."

"I'm just going to take them off."

"Yeah, do that." He pauses slightly. "Hey, you're very nice for doing this."

"I am very nice." She turns serious. "Lucas, I'm scared of this shit, you know? I don't like it."

It takes Lucas a second to figure out that she's talking about them, whatever's happening between them.

"And I don't believe in it anymore, so..."

"So... if we both know it can't work, there's no harm, right?"

"Right."

They both smile. They each take a moment to hide it in their voices.

"What kind of socks?"

"Knee-high basketball socks. Blue and green stripes."

"You're amazing. Nineteen types of trouble. But amazing.

"So are you. Nineteen types. Well, it's late. Did you finish?"

"Nah, the moment's pretty much gone."

"Okay, then. Have a good night. Call me."

Lucas smiles. "I will."

* * *

 **ta ta.**

 **(for now anyways.)**


End file.
